Young Writers Society - Clockword Terror (Need better name if you can think of one)

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by Dreamworx95 in Fantasy Fiction


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This thread was created on March 6, 2006

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Clockword Terror (Need better name if you can think of one)

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Should i continue this

Yes

83%

[ 5 ]

[ 0 ]

Who Cares

16%

[ 1 ]

Total Votes : 6

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Vernon
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 7:52 am Post subject: Clockword Terror (Need better name if you can think of one)

“There, I told you there was new shop here," he looked smugly at him. He sighed… “Okay, I get it Gary, but I swear when I walked passed here yesterday it was still a burnt out shell.” “Maybe they worked fast”, he no longer looked so smug. He looked at the building. A while back it had been a mortgage place. It had been burnt down in some accident; luckily no one was in it at the time. He looked now at the new building. Heck, it looked like it had just been built. All the windows were clean and new and there was not a sign of fire. It looked just like a new shop. He looked at the sign and saw bright blue lettering, saying: Toy Emporium Apart grom that, it also looked bigger. No day work could do this, he sighed... Gary was pulling at his arm “Come on David lets go and look inside.” He sighed beaten “Okay Gary just stay by me, I have a bad feeling about this place.” Gary ran inside ignoring everything David had said. David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing there were thousand of selves of toys from Lego to play-mobile but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying Let your kids have a glance at the past let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did. He saw his brother in that aisle, he ran up to him “Hey Gary don’t run off like that please.” His brother looked at him annoyed “Sheesh David stop worrying about me I’m 13 for ---- sake and looks at these toys who would want to play with them and… suddenly David looked round and saw a grim faced man looking down at his brother, he looked very old but walked with a precise step he looked blind and deaf but he heard them talking. “Really! So you think these toys are not good enough, why don’t I give you a free one and by next week you’ll be back at this store the man smiled as if he had told a joke. He handed Gary one the toys, it was a pirate wielding a cutlass and what was scary about it he thought was it looked like it was grinning.
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market. We are the ink, we are the quill. [The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] Last edited by Vernon on Fri Mar 17, 2006 1:20 pm; edited 7 times in total

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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 7:57 am Post subject:

Nice story, I like the last line and it makes me want to carry on reading, the grammar is a little messy for example on the last line you missed a fullstop and also full stops off the end of these sentences, there are a few others but I havnt got timeyet.

Quote:

Gary was pulling at his arm “Come on David lets go and look inside”
He sighed beaten “Okay Gary just stay by me, I have a bad feeling about this place”

On the whole, short and sweet.

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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 8:23 pm Post subject: Re: Clockword Terror (Need better name if you can think of o

Fontroy wrote:

“There I told you there was new shop here he looked”, smugly at him
He sighs… “Okay I get it Gary, but I swear when I walked passed here yesterday it was still a burnt out shell”
“Maybe they worked fast”, he no longer looked so smug.

I would like to see it continued. All in all, it struck me as an interesting premise, beginning, concept... But it lost its force with the mistakes in structure.

Just the start there -

Quote:

“There I told you there was new shop here he looked”, smugly at him

Poor Imp wrote:

"There, I told you there was a new shop here," he looked smugly at him.

There, now the quotation marks are where you meant them to be - probabaly typo on the "he looked" being stuck between them as well.

But then you change tense as well. From past "he looked" you go to "he sighs" - present tense.

Quote:

“There, I told you there was new shop here," he looked smugly at him.

He sighed…

“Okay, I get it Gary, but I swear when I walked passed here yesterday it was still a burnt out shell.”

“Maybe they worked fast”, he no longer looked so smug.

Try it like so. The paragraph breaks make it easier to read, and now it's clear who's speaking and about what and when - or clearer.

Fontroy wrote:

He looked at the building a while back it had been a mortgage place it had been burnt down is some accident; luckily no one was in at the time. He looked now at the new building heck it looked it just been built all the windows looked completely new and their was not a sign of the fire. It looked just like a new shop. He looked at the sign and saw bright blue lettering saying Toy Emporium. Apart from that it also looked bigger no day work could do this, he sighed…

He looked at the building. Complete sentence. Next - A while back it had been a mortgage place; -semi-colon or full-stop there - it had been burnt down in some accident; luckily no was in it at the time. He looked now at the new building - you might put a hyphen in there. You've got to put some pause. Perhaps even italicize, as it's the character's thought, more directly. Heck, it looked like it had just been built - all the windows looked new and there (not THEIR) was not a sign of the fire.

So, rewritten -

Poor Imp wrote:

He looked at the building. A while back it had been a mortgage place. It had been burnt down in some accident; luckily no one was in it at the time. He looked now at the new building. Heck, it looked like it had just been built. All the windows were clean and new and there was not a sign of fire. It looked just like a new shope. He looked at the sign and saw bright blue lettering, saying: Toy Emporium Apart grom that, it also looked bigger. No day work could do this, he sighed...

I haven't rewritten - just corrected. Watch the repetition of adjectives - you use NEW a half-dozen times. Look for a substitute.

Fontroy wrote:

He saw his brother in that aisle; he ran up to him. “Hey Gary, don’t run off like that please.”

His brother looked at him annoyed. “Sheesh David, stop worrying about me. I’m 13 for fuck sake - and looks at these toys. Who would want to play with them? and…" (note: close QUOTES!)

Suddenly David looked round and saw a grim-faced man looking down at his brother. He looked very old but walked with a precise step and he looked blind and deaf but he heard them talking. “Really! So you think these toys are not good enough, why don’t I give you a free one and by next week you’ll be back at this store." (close quotes!) the man smiled as if he had told a joke.

I've just slipped punctuation in, with bold. I like the premise, as I said - there something ominous about it. But I lose it entirely in the sentences that run into each other, and people speaking into the narration without pause.

I can't go on at the moment. I hope that's helpful. I'd love it read it, redone. Any questions I can answer later... Smile

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Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 7:59 pm Post subject:

Poor Imp got the errors. The concept for the story was good, if you could go on with this it'd be nice but you need to work on your grammar and spelling and punctuation and run on sentences. Lol. However, it was a bit creepy, the character development was decent, I liked how you had whats-his-face say he's "thirteen for fuck's sake." 'twas cool.

This thread was created on March 6, 2006	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on March 6, 2006

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