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Samuel Garrison
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 Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 9:25 pm Post subject: Need opinions - Is this clothing well described? |
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Hello all. I'm not sure as if the piece of clothing I'm trying to describe is visibly seen in the reader's mind. I guess I'm not sure if it's described well enough.
If someone could give me their opinion if the 'saw' the clothing or not, I'd appreciate it. If not, and the paragraph is lacking in details, could someone mention what exactly is missing and where I need to improve on the missing details.
Thank you. 
The paragraph, describing the clothing.
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I wore one linen shirt, which was tucked inside red breeches I sewed from a fox. There was a piece of twine threaded inside the fox's tail, and it served as further protection around my neck. Wolf pelts were carved into two gray vests and the fourth layer was another vest sewn from wool. But the heavy wool vest was ancient and it occasionally slipped from my shoulder blades, allowing gusts of wind to penetrate directly through the wolf pelts.
Secured around my neck was a thick and colourful tunic I sewed from an abundance of animal hides when I was nineteen. On the left side of my shoulder; the coyote's head rested and its eyes stared blankly straight ahead. The opposite shoulder displayed three red feathers embedded into the fibers of the fur. From my neck to my waist, skins of foxes, deer, badgers, hares and squirrels intermixed and produced a magnificent pallet of browns, reds and black shades of fur. Near my bum, three tails were also sewn in the center of the tunic; a skunk's tail was left, a coyotes' and to the right, an otter's tail. The fur tunic itself represented the exceptional skill I possessed in the art of hunting and skinning hides.
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In case anyone is wondering, this character is a tad cold, lol. |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Well, that depends.
Firstly, let me say that I have a terrible bias against writers who describe things all in one hit like that. It irritates me greatly. No offense, I'm just...weird that way, hehe. So I have to say that in that sense, well, if I came across this in a book I'd skip over it. Sorry.
It is very well described - thorough and exact, and I suppose I can see the garment well. It's just that I dont really have the patience to wade through it all to get what you're seeing, you know? If I were you I'd go with a short, precise description to start with, and maybe add details later, at a more pertinent moment. But hey- it's up to you. I *am* somewhat prejudiced after all.
Sorry I couldnt be more helpful. |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:22 am Post subject: |
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| Firstly, let me say that I have a terrible bias against writers who describe things all in one hit like that. It irritates me greatly. No offense, I'm just...weird that way, hehe. So I have to say that in that sense, well, if I came across this in a book I'd skip over it. Sorry. |
No, no. Don't be sorry. I asked for opinions. If I understand, you're the type of reader that prefers short paragraphs and dialogue? Just curious.
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| If I were you I'd go with a short, precise description to start with, and maybe add details later, at a more pertinent moment. But hey- it's up to you. |
I'll keep it in mind, thank you.
Anyone else as far as discription goes?
And, since it's been brought up, are the two paragraph too long? |
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:26 am Post subject: |
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As far as description goes, yes, I got a good picture of what you were talking about.
However, I second bubblewrapped in saying that I don't like it all chunked together like this. It's hard to focus on all crammed together like this, and you could leave a much more lasting impression by spreading it out a little and added in with a little action.
Like this here:
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| Near my bum, three tails were also sewn in the center of the tunic; a skunk's tail was left, a coyotes' and to the right, an otter's tail. |
I can just see the guy turning around as he's walking away and you getting a great view of these three tails on his bum, swinging from side to side as he walks away. And that makes it a bit humorous as well (which is a great attention grabber, I might add) and makes the reader more involved in it.
As it is now, it's almost like staring at a photgraph for a long time: It's just not captivating. |
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Sponson Light
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Its like youre telling someone what to draw.
Too many details, restricts imagination, and generally bogs things down. |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| I can just see the guy turning around as he's walking away and you getting a great view of these three tails on his bum, swinging from side to side as he walks away. And that makes it a bit humorous as well (which is a great attention grabber, I might add) and makes the reader more involved in it. |
LMAO! I hadn't thought of that one, LOL.
It's funny you mentioned that Dusky because the character remarks:
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| Some of my fellow Bostonians laughed teasingly or pointed and commented that my attire of clothing in the winter months resembled a poorly designed concoction of furs. |
Hmm... I do have a flaw with overdescribing things. So, am I being too forceful on discriptions? Like am I revoking the reader's right to imagine whatever they want?
Anyway, if the paragraphs are too discriptive and it 'comes off as a slam' I will re-write and slip in little details here and there, if everyone feels that would be better. Sound good? |
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:56 am Post subject: |
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| Sounds excellent to me. |
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 7:46 am Post subject: |
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If the clothing is important I say keep it in one block or you could hint to what he is wearing throughout a scene.
Yes, I have a clear picture of what he is wearing, I dont know whethere I see this is relevant or not though. |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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Heh, thanks everyone.
I've decided revise the paragraphs, mainly because I noticed I'm kinda restricted. So, thanks again for pointing it out. Now, I'll be allowed to write how the character responds to the cold, and not be fixiated on clothing.
Go, go editing, lol. Yay!  |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 5:51 am Post subject: |
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Do you still want my tips then? Well, you can have them anyway.
You're saying what you did to it a lot. Like "I sewed" and so on. I don't know ... that gets to me. Like you're not describing what they guy's wearing but some great masterpiece he's created. Which, I suppose, it is. So it would depend on what you're going for, clothes description or object description.
I wore one linen shirt, which was tucked inside red breeches I sewed from a fox.
I don't know if this happened to anyone else, but I read this thinking "Ok, linen shirt ... tucked into breeches and ... what? Sewed from a fox? What? A live fox? With the guts? No ... it's fur. Is it?" It really confused me. I only really got that it most deffinatly meant fur when I read a bit more.
Also, I'm like Bubble. No huge paragraphs of description for me. I started skimming automatically. Actually, I automatically went to skip the whole second part then told myself off and went back to read it.
I can't imaging beginning to describe this myself! I'd be fumbling around with words and phrases. It's very ... interesting. |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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definately sounds like an interesting character at the moment. 
gotta say though; huge paragraphs of description don't really do it for me, especially when it's a person. if it was a place, like a giant city or whatever then you could probably get away with it more, but i like adding character description in a little at a time. you could try ways of making it more interesting like saying how people thought of your dress, rather than just describing it. something like that anyway...
well, hope i helped
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 4:07 am Post subject: |
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I wore one linen shirt, which was tucked inside red breeches I sewed from a fox.
I don't know if this happened to anyone else, but I read this thinking "Ok, linen shirt ... tucked into breeches and ... what? Sewed from a fox? What? A live fox? With the guts? No ... it's fur. Is it?" It really confused me. I only really got that it most deffinatly meant fur when I read a bit more. |
Oh, hey. That never occurred to me. I will correct that one, thanks.
Eww! Live fox, yuck. Whoops. lol.
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You're saying what you did to it a lot. Like "I sewed" and so on. I don't know ... that gets to me. Like you're not describing what they guy's wearing but some great masterpiece he's created. Which, I suppose, it is. So it would depend on what you're going for, clothes description or object description.
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I'm a little confused, which could also be from fatigue. Can you explain a little more how the 'sewed' part irritates you? That is, if you feel like going into more detail. I was going for clothing description but I guess I didn't achieve that? Thank you for you input, Éloeré.
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| definitely sounds like an interesting character at the moment. |
Hey thanks! He's definitely given me headaches but it a good way. There are some nights where I would love to strangle his neck, lol. So yeah, he has his moments.
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| gotta say though; huge paragraphs of description don't really do it for me, especially when it's a person. if it was a place, like a giant city or whatever then you could probably get away with it more, but i like adding character description in a little at a time. you could try ways of making it more interesting like saying how people thought of your dress, rather than just describing it. something like that anyway... |
Yeah, everyone keeps mentioning that and it makes a lot of sense. I think I copped out and took an easy route; a one way trip to snoozeville for readers. Besides, I think it will be more fun (and challenging) to write how people comment on his bazaar choice of clothing. (As you suggest KayJuran).
There's a scene where this character (Samuel) is among young kids. He he... Oh, I could have a crap load of fun with this one, lmao.
Thanks you two and everyone else. If anyone notices some improvement or touching up, by all means let me know. |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 5:29 am Post subject: |
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| You're saying what you did to it a lot. Like "I sewed" and so on. I don't know ... that gets to me. Like you're not describing what they guy's wearing but some great masterpiece he's created. Which, I suppose, it is. So it would depend on what you're going for, clothes description or object description. |
I'm a little confused, which could also be from fatigue. Can you explain a little more how the 'sewed' part irritates you? That is, if you feel like going into more detail. I was going for clothing description but I guess I didn't achieve that? Thank you for you input, Éloeré. |
Rats! I was hoping you'd understand because I barely understood what I was trying to say! Well ... it was just a general feel that you weren't describing what a character was wearing, but rather an object. There are phrases and things that are practically always used for clothing descriptions and you're not really using them at all. \There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just that it doesn't really feel right to me ... welcome to my confusing mind. Basically, I wasn't really sure what I mean when I wrote it, only that I had a general feel of something "wrong". |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Firstly dont use words like linen or breeched,cs not many know what they mean, this is way too complicated , this would throw me strait of a story, Sorry to be harsh but its true, go for somthing simple , or maybe its just my lack of logic speeking again, any way i liked the wolf pellets. |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| blob wrote: |
| Firstly dont use words like linen or breeched,cs not many know what they mean, this is way too complicated , this would throw me strait of a story, |
Okay, I have to stick my head in and say I very very very much disagree. Dumbing down a story because some readers don't have an extensive vocabulary is one of the worst moves you can make. Dumbing down a story for any reason is one of the worst moves you can make. Unless you're writing a book for kids. (And even then it's arguable, since a lot of children's writers don't dumb down their stories and kids get it just fine.) Even if the readers don't know what the word means — well, that's how we develop our vocabulary. We pick up new words.
Plus, of course, linen and breeches are both quite common words. Common enough. And they are both used aptly. But that's besides the point.
*goes back to editing* |
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