Topic ID: 842
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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 Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:46 pm Post subject: [Time] |
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So here we are,
Time has passed,
And the promises have been broken,
I remain the hostage of your past.
I can no longer last,
with these emotions inside of me,
feelings that I cannot name,
I begining to lose my grip.
Her face in your head-
Her name in your arms,
I don't understand;
My world lost for her?
Turn your back on me,
Push me away,
But please don't let this hurt remain,
Though I know you'll never care.
The tears in my eyes,
Full of fear,
The chains of my feet,
So bitter so cold.
Answer me this now
You said you'd never let us be enemies,
So why are we here?
The knife in my back.
Darling I had you,
But now all I have is a rag,
From the t-shirt you tore from me,
I just want to be free.
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Hm... nothing thrilling for your amusement I suspect!
muchous love wu |
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Last edited by Wulie on Fri Jan 28, 2005 7:50 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I remain to be the hostage of your past. |
Should probably just be:
I remain the hostage of your past.
The "to be" makes it to lengthy and breaks up the rhthym.
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I cannot name,
I begin to lose grip. |
I cannot name,
I now lose my grip.
or
I cannot name,
Now losing my grip.
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So answer this now,
You said you'd never let us be enemys,
So why are we here?
The knife in my back. |
I liked this part...even though enemies was spelled wrong. |
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Sam
sister nebraska
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| Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 1:40 am Post subject: RE |
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I have to say I liked it. I still caught some bits, though...
You use the word 'past' twice in the first stanza alone. Choose a different word.
I think the second and thrird lines in the second stanza should be switched around. The way it is, it's kinda clunky. Clear it up. What sounds better to you- the emotions inside of me i cannot name or or i cannot name the emotions inside of me? you choose. you can either leave it as is or change it.
'I begin to lose grip.' I'm assuming it's supposed to be 'I begin to lose MY grip' ?
This whole stanza [third] I don't get. I understand and appreciate the first two lines, it's very Michelle Branch. But this poem is kind of serious, so it doesn't really work. Love it, just not in this poem.
The last two lines in the third stanza make no sense to me at all. Please elaborate or delete.
I'm not liking that in the fourth stanza the first and the fourth lines ryhme. The rest of the poem doesn't, so these two lines don't fit. Change one word.
Fifth stanza, only critique would be to add a comma so it's 'so heavy, so cold'.
'I just want to be free?' What? You're not sure if you want to be free? That's kind of idiotic...*lol*
wulie, loved it.  |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Forgive me for my lack of enthusiasm, but I have to say my response to this poem is basically, well, BLAH. Wulie, so far I've read quite a bit of your work on here and you have some decent ideas and a flair for rhythm, but why oh why must you confine yourself?! I dont want to be harsh here, but if I were you I'd change your style a bit. Stop using such little stanzas. In my opinion your ideas would flourish so much better if you dropped the little four-line stanzas and let them roam. It seems to me that you're constraining yourself too much and its really affecting the depth of your work.
So here we are,
Time has past, [passed]
And promises have been broken,
I remain to be the hostage of your past.
I'd take out the 'to be' in that last line. In fact, you could perhaps remove the whole line altogether because I dont really see how it fits - it seems incongruous to me.
No longer will I last,
The emotions inside of me,
I cannot name,
I begin to lose grip.
This is very rough and choppy. You're veering close to randomness with that last line and the grammar is irritating (although that could just be me, I have this thing about grammar hehe). If I were you I'd change this to read "I can no longer last/with these emotions inside/feelings that I cannot name/I'm beginning to lose my grip" or something like that, although even there the rhythm is stilted and doesnt flow. Something needs to be done about the last line in particular.
Her face in your head,
Her name in your arms,
I don't understand,
My world lost for her.
This is quite good, quite lyrical hehe. One thing I would point out though is the COMMAS! Too many commas and in the wrong places. I'd change the second comma to a dash ( 'her name in your arms-' ) and the third to a semi-colon ('I dont understand;'). You could also perhaps use a question mark at the end there to emphasize your bewilderment. A side note though - 'her name in your arms'? Huh? What do you mean? I want explanations here!
Turn your back on me,
Push me away,
But please don't let this hurt remain,
Just please leave me be.
Mm. Well. Its not bad, a lot like a song really. I like the sing-song rhythm you've established with these past two verses, although I'm not sure about the rhyming here. I dare say it was kind of unintentional...I sometimes do that, to fit in with the rhythm and such. I'd change the second please to something like 'Just go and leave me be'. Otherwise, I guess this verse is fine.
The tears in my eyes,
Full of fear,
The chains of my feet,
So bitter so cold.
Hmmmmmmm....again, unsure about this verse. I think its kind of irrelevant. I dont like it much, but what you do with it is up to you.
So answer this now,
You said you'd never let us be enemys, [enemies]
So why are we here?
The knife in my back.
Randomness again. I'd change the first line to 'Answer me this now'. 'So' implies a continuation of a conversation or something that the reader wasnt privy to, and it is kind of confusing. Plus, you repeat it in the third line, so you're better off changing that. As I said, the last line is random. I appreciate the use of the abstract in poetry but here it seems you're only using it to keep with the rhythm and it makes the poem choppy and awkward. Not sure what you could do with it exactly, but it needs changing.
Darling I had you,
But now all I have is a rag,
From the t-shirt you tore from me,
I just want to be free?
Again, I get the sense there is more here than you're telling us. Mind letting the reader in on the story? Sorry, but the whole t-shirt thing...its good and unexpected and everything, but it needs an explanation...I feel confused about it and not the good kind of confused either. Also, as has been pointed out, what is with the question mark? You dont know if you want to be free? Make up your mind, LOL!
I dont want you to think I hate this poem because it is actually quite good- as I said before you have cultivated quite a smooth sense of rhythm in some places and a few of your references are quite unique. I think however that you would benefit from a new style and perhaps the inclusion of less concrete imagery in your work. I'll look forward to seeing some more of your poems up here  |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:24 am Post subject: |
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First of all thanks ! lol I know I'm not a great writer thats why I post on here to get help!
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'her name in your arms'? Huh? What do you mean? I want explanations here!
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Her name is carved in to his arms ( self harm )
I don't intend to ryhme my poems - cause I'm crap at it !
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| Also, as has been pointed out, what is with the question mark? You dont know if you want to be free? Make up your mind, LOL! |
There wasn't meant to be a question mark accident I think !
I think with my poerty/stuff, I relate it to much to me if that makes sense because I write about things only I would truely understand and the confuses and loses alot of people but thank you fro your comments! |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 5:07 am Post subject: |
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Welcome, of course. I thought that's what you meant (about the 'name in your arms' thing) but perhaps you could make it a bit clearer, even to the point of putting 'her name carved in your arms', just so that we know what you're talking about. Unintentional rhyming is a funny thing, hehe, sometimes you get so caught up in the rhythm of the poem that you dont notice (at least, thats what happens to me). There's nothing wrong with relating poetry to yourself so long as you use language and images and etc. that could also relate to others. After all, its the sense of identification with the author/topic of a poem that gives the reader so much enjoyment
Keep writing - and remember what I said about trying different styles. I really think you'll find your work just gets better and better the more you experiment. |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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All I can say here is that I really liked your style, it was really simple.
And I agree with all of the above, thanks to CAG77 I don't need to make all the corrections now. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 287
Reviews: 137
Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all very much for your comments on my poem I will now make some adjustments!
love wu x |
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'Sadistic lies we form like the web of a spider, the truth we hide like our flaws.' |
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