Topic ID: 384
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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 Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:54 pm Post subject: Words of confusion |
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Always the bad one,
Always wrong never right,
Trapped in this society,
So close to the edge of all reason.
And you push me,
More and more,
I feel the coldness of death upon my skin,
Screaming out to me.
Get me out of these chains,
Free me from this guilt this pain,
Why am I made to watch these memories?
The button stuck on repeat.
We only want to love to be happy,
Clawing away at my skin,
Trying to find an escape an answer,
Why am I here?
One last breath,
The i's dotted,
Upon the letter of questions,
Never to see your sweet face again.
But your sweet eyes will never leave me. |
Last edited by Wulie on Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:42 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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| i really like this...especially the last line...it was really fitting and ended the poem well. however, the title of the poem didn't seem to fit with the poem itself. anyway, great poem! |
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Brian
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this as well. The last line brings everything together really well, and the first and third stanzas are especially well done (the first stanza really grabs the attention of the reader). Only a couple things... "trapped" is misspelled in the third line and I kinda think that I should be i in:
The I's dotted
So that you bring attention to the dotted part.
Overall, really well done. I liked it. |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this.
Apart from what the guys above have said, I actually disliked the last line, as I thought it was weak and could do with revision. |
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Elder Bobo
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I like how the poem kind of jumps between metaphors and such but keeps the same theme. And I'm not sure what I think about the last line. I kind of like it, but I think revision could probably make it better... |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 10:47 am Post subject: |
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i really enjoyed this poem! so yeah.. heres
what i think...
Always the bad one
always wrong never right
trapped in this society
so close to the edge of all reason
i love the way this poem starts... it seems
quite powerful and lets out emotion...
get me out of these chains
free me from this guilt this pain
Why am I made to watch these memories?
the button stuck on repeat
this is also quite a strong verse - you seem
to like the image of chains a lot!
The i's dotted
upon the letter of questions
dont really understand this part but i'll prob
work it out... any help here people?
again the only thing i can recommend is more
punctuation...
there are some parts where you could have
used a couple more commas, full stops, etc...
keep writin!
~KayJuran~ |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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get me out of these chains
free me from this guilt this pain
Why am I made to watch these memories?
the button stuck on repeat
this is also quite a strong verse - you seem
to like the image of chains a lot!
The i's dotted
upon the letter of questions |
Right - I'll start with thank you to you all for commenting!
KJ - the chains obssesion isnt some bondage fantasy hehe, it's because the person I am writing this about makes me feel as though I'm chained down with all the lies and hurt they have given to me over the past 2 years and I don't want to love them but I do... make sense?
The i's dotted etc - is about my suicide letter you could say or just my letter to say good bye to the one I love... it depends how you read it...
I hope thatall makes sense! and thank you for your comments as I said in my other comment on my other poem I shall go through them all when I have time!
Much love wu |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I enjoyed reading this alot. But the rythum seemed a little off in some places. But other then that it was fantastic! |
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