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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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 Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 8:21 pm Post subject: Sorry |
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I never knew
When I held you close
How lucky
I really was
But now as I sit
Tears trapped
In my heart
I can see I had it all
Why do we take it all for granted?
Always wanting more
I had the world in my arms
Yet I still wanted more
Greed is my falter
And I shall never forgive
What I let happen
I will never kill the blame
Today as I hold the pieces
In my hands
I blame myself
Now you lay dead because of her.
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What'd you think ? |
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Last edited by Wulie on Fri Jan 28, 2005 8:06 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 10:12 pm Post subject: |
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hey i like it!
sort of style i like 2 use...
anyway the only criticisms i have r:
line 3: How lucky
- dont know why but this seems 2
short. it doesnt seem 2 go so well
w the rest of the verse.
line 8: I can see all I had
- doesnt rhyme w trapped that well
line 16: I will never, never, forgive
- i just dont think u shud rhyme w
the same word if u can help it...
part from that... WELL DONE!!! |
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Elelel
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| Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:54 am Post subject: |
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Like it too!
"never, never"
could be:
"never ever"
And I think:
"Greed if my falter"
should have been:
"Greed is my falter"
Hehe, typo!
Anyway, I liked it! |
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Dreami
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| Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 2:34 am Post subject: |
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I think you could put lines together, like this:
I never knew when I had you close
How lucky I really was
But now as I sit with tears trapped in my heart
I can see all I had.
Why do we take it all for granted?
Always wanting more
I had the world in my arms
Yet I still wanted more
Greed if my falter
And I shall never forgive
What I let happen
I will never, never, forgive
Today as I hold the pieces
In my hands
I blame myself, once again I ruined it all
justa suggestion.  |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you
I shall change a few things
 |
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nickelpickle
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: ... |
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I never knew
When I had you close
How lucky
I really was |
I really like this. Great opening line, it draws the reader in.
| Quote: |
But now as I sit
Tears trapped
In my heart
I can see all I had |
I don't know about the last line. It is well written, but it doesn't really flow for me.
| Quote: |
Why do we take it all for granted?
Always wanting more
I had the world in my arms
Yet I still wanted more |
The repetition here is very powerful. I like it!
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Greed is my falter
And I shall never forgive
What I let happen
I will never, forgive |
No comma after never. I don't think that the repetition of forgive is too powerful or necessary here.
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Today as I hold the pieces
In my hands
I blame myself
Once again I ruined it all |
I liked this stanza, but you need a more powerful ending. I liked the poem in general though! Well done! |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 8:51 am Post subject: |
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With a wee bit of work this could be an awesome poem.
I never knew
When I had you close
How lucky
I really was
I reckon this should read as Dreami said. "I never knew, when I had you close/How lucky I really was"
But now as I sit
Tears trapped
In my heart
I can see all I had
Same with this one "But now as I sit, tears trapped in my heart/I can see all I had" although I would perhaps prefer "I can see all I had" to be "I can see I had it all" or something. Gramatically, it makes more sense. And it flows better.
Why do we take it all for granted?
Always wanting more
I had the world in my arms
Yet I still wanted more
I dont think the repetition of "more" is working for me. I'm not sure what else you could use, but it needs another word there. You're detracting from the power of the sentiment.
Greed is my falter
And I shall never forgive
What I let happen
I will never, forgive
"Greed is my falter" WTH? Sorry but...No. "Falter" is wrong here. Thats not the way it should be used. I know what you mean to say, just...that doesnt work. "Greed is my hurdle/hazard/hitch/obstacle/enemy/etc." Also, the repetition of "forgive" doesnt wash. Neither does the comma in the middle of the last line. I know you need it there to keep that famous rhythm of yours going, but - well, frankly, I dont like it. "What I let happen/I can never forget" might be an alternative.
Today as I hold the pieces
In my hands
I blame myself
Once again I ruined it all
I think this should read "I blame myself [because]/Once again I ruined it all" - might add a bit of punch to the final line. You might think about continuing the "pieces" analogy further and replacing "ruined" with "broke" or something of that sort. Not sure. Does need some spice though.
Overall, a poem with a great deal of potential. I really enjoyed it and with a bit of work it could be excellent. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I didn't necessarily like it after the first two stanzas, and I only liked the first two, really because I found potential in both. Instead of four lines, you should condensed both to two, or maybe even one in the first stanza. It just really sounds like one line and not two. |
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Emma
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey that was good! Its better than mine!! Keep it up and use the constructive critz. Thats how my artwork and storywriting is improving. |
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Elder Bobo
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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| What nickelpickle said pretty much covered what I think of it. Great job; those repetitions really reinforce the point. Yeah, and change the last line and the last line in the second stanza, at least the wording. |
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