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Heart in the Wind #1
Heart in the Wind #1

by Blink in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on February 26, 2006
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Bus Stops and Pocket Watches (formerly Bernard)
Topic ID: 7607
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Crysi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 1:38 am    Post subject: Bus Stops and Pocket Watches (formerly Bernard) Reply with quote

Finished! Critique all you want. Smile

His name was Bernard. With his bushy white hair pulled back in a ponytail and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, he looked like both an historical figure and a modern citizen. The fact that he was the latter didn’t stop him from thinking he was the former. After all, his sixty-eight years were starting to show.

He worked as a janitor at one of the nearby office buildings. It was a decent job, though he wasn’t paid much, because he could just wear slacks and the blue company shirt and he didn’t have to engage in conversations with anyone. He liked that just fine; the solitary life suited him. Which was good, seeing as he only had one living relative left, and that was his half brother who only called once a year to wish him a happy birthday and then talk about the new casinos he had found.

Bernard took a long drag on his cigarette and studied the cars passing by, rushing to work. For most people it was intimidating standing in the parking lot with only a strip of grass between it and the speeding cars, but he didn’t mind it. He had lived long enough to know that if anything was going to happen, it would have happened by now.

The steady stream of smoke he blew out mingled with his breath in the cold morning air and curled up toward the sunlight. He pulled out an old pocket watch and flipped open the chipped cover. Grunting, he closed it again and placed it inside his shirt pocket. He still had fifteen minutes before he had to report to work.

Bernard walked toward the bus stop slowly, noticing with a feeling of triumph that his knee didn’t hurt this morning. He observed a few young children running to school. Thinking about his own childhood, he almost envied their carefree days. Almost. The structure taught back when he was in school made him who he was today, and he wouldn’t change that for anything. Discipline built character, and he thought schools were too undisciplined now. Those kids’ll never learn the lessons I did. But whose generation will turn out better - mine or theirs?

As he turned that thought over in his mind, a few teenagers shot by on their bikes. Bernard eyed them indifferently. He thought his generation complained too much about the disrespect shown to them. Sure, kids weren’t always kind to them, but those were the times. You had to adapt or be pushed aside, and Bernard had no intention of being pushed aside. He may have been somewhat ascetic, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be invisible to the world forever. No, he was just waiting for the right moment to step out of the line to the retirement home and do something good for the world. If he managed to do it without much publicity, that was even better. But the time had not come yet, so he continued to clean the office and smoke and check his pocket watch.

The bus pulled up with a cacophony of squeaks, squeals, and groans. A few people at the stop climbed aboard, and Bernard watched them. He always wondered in the back of his mind where people went. As far as he was concerned, West Boulevard was the only street anyone needed. It had businesses, housing, and a school further down the way. What more could people ask for?

“Sir, are you coming aboard?” the driver asked, holding out an ashtray.

Bernard looked up at the driver silently. His first reaction was to give a resounding “No,” but something stopped him. Perhaps it was the fact that no one had ever asked him that before. He knew it had always been a choice, of course, but somehow it never applied to him.

“Sir?”

“I…” Bernard checked his pocket watch. He still had ten minutes left. The choices circled in his mind and he tried to figure out the consequences. There was really nowhere to go, and yet that freedom was tempting. It would mean missing a day of work, of course, but they probably wouldn’t notice anyway, unless their wastebaskets started overflowing. And he had emptied them yesterday.

But something stopped him. Everyday for the past fifteen years he had walked from his house to the parking lot, taken out a cigarette, lit it, and smoked until it was time to report for work. Nothing had changed, except for a few days last winter when he had come down with pneumonia and had to take those days off to recover. He checked his pocket watch yet again. Could he really leave behind his routine, his street, his life?

“Have a good day, sir,” the driver said, pressing the button to close the doors.

“Wait,” Bernard said hoarsely. As the doors opened again for him, he stared uncertainly and then smiled. He took a step forward, and then another. His knee was good today for a reason - just so he could climb the steps on the bus. He was certain of it. Putting out his cigarette in the ashtray offered to him, he paid the dollar to ride.

The doors closed behind him, and the bus pulled away from the curb with a reverse symphony of groans, squeals, and squeaks.


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Last edited by Crysi on Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:43 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

...could it be? A piece of writing with no horrendous spelling errors, correct punctuation, and an interesting character being described in an interesting way? Have I died and gone to heaven?

There was only one glaring mistake out of this piece. Unfortunately, since you're such an advanced writer, this mistake will be hard to fix. Otherwise, I liked it very much. You can easily make a story off of this. The character is interesting and makes you want to know more about him. And a janitor is defintely something you don't see everyday...

Now... the glaring mistake!

Quote:
With his bushy white hair pulled back in a ponytail and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, he looked like both an historical figure and a modern worker.


The thing that bugged me was your lack of concrete language. You said the words "historical figure" which bring to mind a fantastic image. But I would like you to narrow it down. Which historical figure does he look like? Abe Lincoln? Nero? Richard Nixon? Describe! You have an interesting image, but I think you can create a stronger image, which is always better. Smile

The next thing that bugs me are the words "a modern worker." This made me think of the USSR, which used a ton of euphemisms like this. Plus, it doesn't give a firm picture in your readers' minds. What exactly are you trying to say?

There's a couple of ways where you might be able to fix that. After the words "a modern worker" immediately describe what your vision of a modern worker looks like. Or, you can change "modern worker" into the more specific word "janitor." This might be better, in the long run, but it would be harder to accomplish because this paragraph runs so well into the next one. You would have to tweak the next paragraph, and so on. This might be worth it, if you're trying to make this an award-winning novel, but... well, you decide.

Otherwise, I liked it. Interesting imagery. Smile

As from where you can go from here? Try a little game.

Right now, you have a setting. Okay. Now you have to do a fortunately/unfortunately thing. So, create a conflict. Maybe he's in love with a teacher. Unfortunately that teacher hates his guts. Fortunately, he writes to her anonymous poetry which makes her fall in love with him. Unfortunately, she thinks the person who is sending her these poems is the hot English teacher, who is a narcissist. Have fun with it! Wink

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...a teacher? Where'd that come from, Snoinky? Very randomacious of you.

I disagree about needing to pinpoint an historical figure to compare Bernard to--For me, the first part of the sentence, describing his "bushy white hair pulled back in a ponytail" immediately made me thing of colonial times, where bushy white ponytail wigs were commonplace. If this is what you wanted, Crys, then think you did it just fine.

I do agree with the Oink that you could change "modern worker" to "janitor" and have a better result. Plus it would address the problem I have with that (which I explain later on...)

Quote:
It was a decent job, though he wasn’t paid much, because he could just wear slacks and the blue company shirt and he didn’t have to engage in conversations with anyone.


I don't like the way this sentence flows. I think you try to explain too much about his job in one sentence. You manage to tell about the pay, the dresscode, and the scoail part of it all in one sentence. It allows you to move on quickly from his job very quickly, but it seems to me that being a janitor would be a big part of how people recognize him , and maybe how he is viewed as a character by the reader--perhaps you could split the sentence up, or maybe add an extra sentence just to emphasize the fact that he's a janitor. Right now it's very easy to forget because you only mention it with one sentence...but I'm sure you can remedy that with Bernard Part II Smile

Pocket watches are nifty--Kat has one and I'm jealous. Is there something special about this pocketwatch? There could be Wink

As for plot...any number of things could go on...are you looking for a fantasy story, a modern day drama, a romance...what are you looking to accomplish, and where are you wanting to go with Bernard?

--Donski

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm just looking for an interesting short story, lol. Just a little piece of fiction, that's all.

Snoink, thanks, lol. I'll have to post some of my other work to relieve you of spelling and grammar errors. Wink

Dono, that's exactly what I was going for. I actually based this character on a guy I see everyday going to school, and I always wanted to know what the story was behind him. I'll definitely think about the whole "modern day worker" thing. It didn't sound right when I wrote it, but the piece was due the next day and I was tired, lol.

Thanks guys. You've given me a few ideas, although I could definitely use more ideas to help me along!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, you do that Crysi.

Another idea: right now, you have it in third person. It appears to us that the main character is the janitor, but at the moment, maybe you have another character being the actually character (perhaps a first person story?) and that person is a teenager going through high school. Maybe that teenager goes through several difficulties, and his friendship with the janitor gets him out of some tight spots.

Just a thought...

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 6:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Snoink, he's not a janitor at a school; read curse you, READ. He's at an office building eh.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 6:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL!

It's just an idea. She can tweak his identity however she feels fit. Wink I just like soppy teenager stories, so...

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol! I kinda like that, actually. Although of course I'm thinking about novel proportions instead of the short-story bite I'm supposed to write. Gah.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah! She posted more!

The addition is very nice, Samita--I didn't see anything that yelled at me, so I don't really have anything to say at this point. I shall RETURN, however, to critique this latah.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good, very good.

One prob.

Quote:
Which was good, seeing as how he only had one living relative left


Take out the 'how' in this sentence. It's unnecessary, drags the sentence a bit.

Otherwise, nicely done.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Merci. Smile I tend to write how I speak, and I didn't comb over this as thoroughly as I could have.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Sami wrote more. Now.. I get to nit-pick (only, as I've already told you what I like.. in detail.. enough so you threw something at me.. ah well). And sorry for all repeats.

hmm, I love the first paragraph.. now i get to have fun! or as much as I can before I leave for work..

Quote:
He worked as a janitor at one of the nearby office buildings. It was a decent job, though he wasn’t paid much, because he could just wear slacks and the blue company shirt and he didn’t have to engage in conversations with anyone. He liked that just fine; the solitary life suited him. Which was good, seeing as he only had one living relative left, and that was his half brother who only called once a year to wish him a happy birthday and then talk about the new casinos he had found.

Second sentence is awkward. And so is the last half of the paragraph... arg Sami, vhat did you do? maybe take outthe "which was good, seeing as.." part, it'll be less awkward that way.. and then I think it works better.

Quote:
For most people it was intimidating standing in the parking lot with only a strip of grass between it and the speeding cars, but he didn’t mind it.

take out the last "it", you don't need it (pun not intended, ta). Also, "for most people it was intimidatin enough to be standing.." etc. and make the first "it" a "them". moving on!

um.. a quick thing. you keep inverting sentence ("thinking abotu hiw own childhood.."), and they keep sounding awkward. Was that for sentence structure variation? Even so, I don't really care for it. There are other ways to do that, and have it sound better, but we can talk about that later.

other than that.. I con't have any nit-pciks. *stares at crit* good lord that's short. And I can hear you reading this; kinda cool. Distracting, but cool.

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