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by DarkTestimonyofTruth in Science-Fiction
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This thread was created on February 27, 2006
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Beyond the Doors (Excerpt)

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:52 pm    Post subject: Beyond the Doors (Excerpt) Reply with quote

This is Chapter Three of my story, but it's beginning of one thread of the story, so I suppose it supports a beginning-like taste to it anyway. I just want to know if the Percy character has clear motives.

Victor Lunkil did not appreciate late night calls. His rest was always highly deserved by the end of his long, hard-working days, in which he walked across Dakr’s City from monotonous appointment to monotonous appointment, tediously wearing down his extensive list of things to do. Usually when a business owner or some other contract dealer, legal or not, rapped upon his door, they received a horrible bout of whatever he could serve them. It did not matter how important the caller was, nor whether Lunkil was awake or not – he needed an outlet for his anger, and pressing on his already heavily loaded stress was not a wise thing to do.

It was past midnight when the caller knocked on the door. Lunkil was sitting in a chair by the fire, staring into the flames, when he first heard the rapping. While grumbling, he scooped up a metal staff perched on the side of the armchair. He walked downstairs steadily, the steady three-beat waltz growing menacingly louder to the caller who, foolishly, knocked again.

The staff that Lunkil carried was legendary. The entire thing was constructed of a thick and heavy alloy that involved strong metals such as steel and iron. It was gilded with white gold and was carved in the shape of a stick-straight snake, each scale perfectly engraved. At the very top, the maw of the serpent was opening wide, from which a metal tongue protruded, wrapping and supporting a shimmering ball that was a decidedly dead color, much like stone. But the staff’s history was more impressive than its appearance – it had belonged to a great warlord of the past, who had been locked in the Great Dungeons. When the warlord faded away, their King retrieved his staffs, embedded with deep magical power, and distributed them among his trusted advisors, keeping one for him. Lunkil was one such lucky man.

He had reached the door and, now, slammed down his staff harshly on the stone tiled floor, which ignited a purple spark within its depths. It sparkled and swirled in the confinements of the stone, which was now as clear as glass. Satisfied, Lunkil flung wide the door.

The caller looked down on Lunkil with a mane of golden blond hair, which he, in a suiting manner, flicked in the wild air that curved through the city. The man was grinning broadly at first, but nearly fell off the front step in seeing the purple luminescence off of Lunkil’s face, and then first noticed that the high official looked displeased.

Lunkil was, in fact, disappointed. “Yes, Percy?” he asked coolly. The young man looked taken aback and did not respond at first. His eyes darted from the glowing staff to the pale, scarred face of his superior, who had white scars across his cheeks and angel-white pieces of hair falling in his eyes. Though seemingly young at barely twenty five, Lunkil was, in reality, fifty, and had climbed very high in many ladders in life. Of those, magic was included.

“Ah…yes…Duke Lunkil, my lord, the King requires you immediately,” Percy said, recovering. He bore a sword at his side and his hand was marked with an inked tattoo that signed him in eternal service as a High Guard to the King. Still, he stepped aside to allow Lunkil to brush passed him.

“Then I shan’t keep my king waiting,” Lunkil announced. Then, eyes slitted, he turned to Percy, who, he just realized, was trying to catch his breath. The ties on his uniform were, also, incorrect and rushed.

The superior, clothed rich gray and black robes, had eyes glinting with suspicion. He surveyed Percy, the Guard, for a few second before hissing, “My king. He is all our King, is he not, Knight Percival?”

Percy nodded stiffly. “Aye aye, sir,” he chimed, his voice ringing with arrogance.

The Duke merely smiled and strode off into the night. His staff clomped along beside him, and Percy only clamped his hand over his heart when he was sure that the loyal official had left his sight. He knew.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy ****. I honestly have difficulty believing your 14. It just doesnt fit in with this level of writing; your a prodigal talent. This is...wow. I liked it, no, I loved it. I want to read more, do you hear? More I say.
There was but one minore error.

Quote:
The superior, clothed rich gray and black robes


The superior, clothed in rich gray etc etc.

Eagerly awaiting more,
~Jiggy.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...I have only to say - watch the dialogue that it doesn't get awkward. Nothing sounded entirely out of place until...

Quote:
Percy nodded stiffly. “Aye aye, sir,” he chimed, his voice ringing with arrogance.


Aye aye is specifically nautical, and from a knight it felt odd.

But you've gotten my attention. I like your description of Lunkil - that's probably the most comfortable part of the piece. You seem to know what you're talking/writing about; and it comes through. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Jigsaw, you are a talented writer for your age. Are you sure that you arent a 45-year-old in disguise? Anyway, I think you did an exelent job in description, the entire story flowed very well. I think you and your story have potential but, my comments on the plot will have to wait because there isn't much information about the main plot quite yet. But that's okay considering it's just the first chapter.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got my attention... very subtle at the end m'dear. I have to disagree with Poor_Imp on the usage of 'Aye'. Althought it is a very nautical term, it is medieval as well, but the double 'aye' did seem ackward I'd cut it down to just 'aye, sir'.

Some other things I noticed -

Quote:
and distributed them among his trusted advisors, keeping one for him.
- Is the 'him' you are reffering to 'the king', if so it should be 'himself'. Otherwise the 'him' just seems ackward.

Quote:
He had reached the door and, now, slammed down his staff harshly on the stone tiled floor, which ignited a purple spark within its depths.
- the 'now' is superfluous.

Quote:
and then first noticed that the high official looked displeased.
- action confusion, delete 'first'

Quote:
Lunkil was, in fact, disappointed
- 'in fact' superfluous

Quote:
The superior, clothed rich gray and black robes, had eyes glinting with suspicion.
- verb confusion, it should be 'Clothed in rich gray and black robes, the superior eyed him with suspicion' or something to that effect.

Can't wait to see the rest of this.

CL

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you feel a little miffed when someone says you're "good for your age"? I know comments like that aren't taken well by some people. But it is good. And it did have me glancing at your age too.

Quote:
He walked downstairs steadily, the steady three-beat waltz growing menacingly louder to the caller who, foolishly, knocked again.

Well ... no one else has mentioned this, so it's probably just me ... but what steady three-beat waltz? I had to double check this to get that it was him walking with the staff. But, probably just me. Otherwise, I love that description!

Quote:
The entire thing was constructed of a thick and heavy alloy that involved strong metals such as steel and iron.

Steel is already an alloy. In fact, it's an alloy of iron and carbon (according to my brainy brother anyway). The strongest metal is titanium ... however titanium was only discovered within the last one hundred years. According to my brother, the best metal that could be got around the middle ages was good quality steel. Arabic steel, I think he said. He's a science nut, so I'd trust him. Maybe expensive steel is the way to go. Unless you'd like to add some magical element of course.

Quote:
The caller looked down on Lunkil with a mane of golden blond hair, which he, in a suiting manner, flicked in the wild air that curved through the city.

This seems a little confusing to me ... how does one look with one's hair? I'd put the whole hair flicking thing in a different sentence to the looking down on Lunkil bit. There's probably a good way to fit it all in one sentence, but I'm a short sentence girl, so that's what I'd do.

Quote:
“Then I shan’t keep my king waiting,” Lunkil announced. Then, eyes slitted, he turned to Percy, who, he just realized, was trying to catch his breath. The ties on his uniform were, also, incorrect and rushed.

The superior, clothed rich gray and black robes, had eyes glinting with suspicion. He surveyed Percy, the Guard, for a few second before hissing, “My king. He is all our King, is he not, Knight Percival?”

Overall I think I get confused quicker than other people. I always seem to be finding things I don't get when everyone else understands perfectly. I just don't see why Percy being in a bit of a rush and having his uniform untidy was a cause of suspision. Or is there something in previous chapters that tells of something that would mean this was suspisious? Most likely just me being confused again.

I like the urgency of the last two words in italics! Very nice.

Percy's motives ... Percy's motives ... well ... he seems to be up to something fishy, and is worried that someone's found out. He hasn't really done anything really big yet that needs really big motives ... or do you mean small motives and small things like behaviour and so forth? Well ... that sort of stuff seems pretty good to me.

Hope I helped!

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