Young Writers Society - Chapter 1 ( untitled for now..)

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This thread was created on February 2, 2006

Chapter 1 ( untitled for now..)

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FaLlEn_AnGeL_13
Junior Writer

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Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 34
Reviews: 26

300 Points

Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:10 pm Post subject: Chapter 1 ( untitled for now..)

Chapter 1 Introduction "DING!! DONG!!" The church bells rang. Their sounds covered the streets and the Kingdome like a blanket of joy. People danced in the street and cried tears of joy. The sun shined extra bright that morning. Brighter than before as a freedom was given to the land of Guildar. After fifty years of war, the people seemed exited to be free from the oppression of the Denden dynasty after signing a treaty two hours ago. But for the royal family, this was another important day. The king and queen called for their son in the throne room. -" You promise you don't want me to come in there with you?" The Princes' best friend Amy asked him. He looked into her eyes; -"stop worrying Amy, I'll be fine." He replied The young prince walked in and bowed to the ground. - " My son, we have just signed a treaty and everything seems to be going well. You know that I am in my old years and I am getting too week to continue my duties as king. That is why by this time next year, you will be the new king of Guildar." He proclaimed trying to drown out the sickness in his voice. The prince got up. A smile creped on his lips. -" Father, do you really think that I'm ready?" He asked almost ecstatic. The queen looked at her son and nodded. The prince tried his hardest to remain calm. He thanked his parents and bowed again. -" Edward you are a very handsome young man. And this age, you are supposed to be engaged. Why is it that you would not even take the time of day to even talk to the dames?" His mother asked him in a worried tone. His father stared at him waiting for a reply. - " I can't just marry anyone. I want to marry the woman I love. And I've haven’t found her yet. Why do you ask? " The prince replied back with a little smile on his face. His parents on the other hand did not smile. Prince Edward knew they were not amused. - " We cannot wait for you to find that one perfect woman Edward, It might take too long. And we've wanted to tell you since last week. We have arranged for you to wed the princess of Denden. Princess Taihran. It will help keep the peace between the two kingdoms. " The queen said in a strict voice. The smile on Prince Edward's face soon erased as his eyes turned red with hate - " HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!?! I'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU AND FATHER HAVE ORDERD ME TO DO ALL MY LIFE!! THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER WANTED AND THAT'S THE THING YOU'VE TAKEN AWAY!! MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE KING!! THE ONLY THING YOU GUYS CARE ABOUT IS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. " The prince yelled out at his parents. The king got up from his throne. -" WHAT HAS CAUSED SUCH DEFIANCE THAT YOU WOULD PENALIZE YOUR BIRTHRIGHT TO PERSUE SOME SILLY FANTASY!?! " The king declared in shock. The queen calmed her husband down. Edward looked at his father in sorrow and stormed out. - “Edward, my son, come back!! Your father and I don't mean in it in that way! " His mother yelled to her son. The prince stopped and turned around. - “Some silly fantasy? Love should not be forced upon someone. " Edward said in spite as he slammed the doors. Amy waited for him on the other side of the door. She heard everything. He stormed past her. -" Eddie, are you ok? “ She asked as she grabbed his arm. He pushed her hand away without saying a word and locked himself in his room. .. * * * -" FATHER !!! PLEASE DON'T GO!! " A young woman cried. She held on tight to her father's hand. He cleared her dark brown hair that was stuck on her face from her tears. He looked deeply into his daughter's deep green eyes with death creeping upon his body. -" Ieda, my only daughter. Before I go, you must promise me something..." Her father said weakly with a shaking voice. She stroked her father's hair back and tried to make the most of every breath he took. - " Make the most of your life... Don't spend your life as a servant all your life as I did. You are destined for so much more! " Her father said while gripping tight to her hand. She nodded and started crying again. - " I will!! " she said while trying to hold back her tears. With his last breath, he told her three simple words; I love you. Then he was dead. Ieda gasped and cried continually. Her mother came in the room and hugged her. They both cried together and consoled each other. She let go of her father's hand and let the priest come in to bless his body... “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me all the day and night. Truly your grace and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever. Amen". * * *

Sleeping Valor
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 3:29 pm Post subject:

*Hapilly tears her friend's story to peices* I love you, that's why I am going to help you make this better.

Chapter 1 Introduction. Is it the introduction to Chapter one or is it the introduction that should be BEFORE chapter one. If you announce chapter one we can online assume what follows is part of it.

Quote:

"DING!! DONG!!" The church bells rang. Their sounds covered the streets and the Kingdome like a blanket of joy.

FA13, my friend. Ding dong is a doorbell, not a church bell. And there is no need for !! two exclamation marks. Furthermore I don't think you need both Ding don and the church bells rang together. It seems more like you're repeating yourself. Try sayign either "The chruch bells rang out, their sounds covering the streets and the Kingdom(no e on the end of kingdom) like a blanket of joy" Or "Ding dong. The sounds of the church bells covered..." okie? Also this who bit here seems like you're trying to use imagery or sumfing but it doesn't really click the way you're using it. "The Church bells rang throughout the streets f the kingdom, their peal (which is the sound a church bell makes) like joyous laughter." Blanket of joy is more of an object or a feelign than a sound.

Quote:

The sun shone extra bright that morning. Brighter than before as a freedom was given to the land of Guildar.

Try something like: "The sun shone brighter than it had in a long time as freedom was given to the land of Guildar." You keep repeating something you stated in a previous sentance in a different way. You don't need to tell us what you just said with new words. Try bringing the two phrases together.

Quote:

After fifty years of war, the people seemed exited to be free from the oppression of the Denden dynasty after signing a treaty two hours before (not ago).

They seemed excited? heaven help us if they're just pretending! You're the one writing this, are they or are they not? That phrase is also very long and saying very much. Two hours ago also seems to bring us into present tense.
"Two hours before a treaty had been signed, ending the opression of the Denden dynasty. After fifty years of war, the people were overjoyed to finally be free." <-- actually I don't thhink that is the best way to phrase it. But try breaking it down and not making us choke on so much into at once.

Quote:

-" You promise you don't want me to come in there with you?" The Prince's best friend Amy asked him. He looked into her eyes and smiled.
-"Stop worrying Amy, I'll be fine," he replied. The young prince walked into the throne room and bowed to the ground.

-" is not the correct speaking procedure. Just use ", it's in french they use - before speaking. Not both.

Quote:

" My son, we have just signed a treaty and everything seems to be going well. You know that I am in my old years and I am getting too week to continue my duties as king. That is why by this time next year, you will be the new king of Guildar." He proclaimed, trying to drown out the sickness in his voice. The prince got up and a smile creeped onto(spelling?) his lips.

Bleh. Being critical is too tiring. -____- I will sumarize the essental things: There are a whole bunch of words I think you spelled wrong and please re-read and consider better ways fo phrasing things. You also have not been paying attention when I say: PARAGRAPHS and in some pleaces you have a bunch of short phrases fr each and every action. When writing I don't think you're suposed to use CAPS when people are shouting. Virgules(,) in some places would be good also. You must always go to the next line when someone starts talking *points at priest's prayer*.

*hugs* I'm so proud of you. You're so very predictable. Is this the same story you were talking about witht he girl and the prince? =P Definitely paragraph separation is needed. Why is it all your main characters are drama queens? And you just HAD to kill somebody's daddy. Shame on you. Oh well. It's good so far and I look forward to reading the rest (very amusing as aways). ^_^Can you tell I'm bored and sick? Carry on, carry on.

FaLlEn_AnGeL_13
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 34
Reviews: 26

300 Points

Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:12 pm Post subject:

thx for the advice ! I love ya too!!hugs OMG did u know that twenty minutes ago, I was looking at the plots of my stories and I discoverd that in 80% of my sotries, somebody dies!?! u ppl must stop me!! Anyways, I'll try to put paragraphs and stuff. But you HAVE to agree that this version is WAY better than the orginal one, and you read the original one * the orginal was just retarded* Hope ya feel better!!drink lotz of fluids. * ha ha ha u caught my cold!!! *

This thread was created on February 2, 2006	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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