Topic ID: 6560
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Reviews: 139
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 3:16 am Post subject: Atlantean |
 |
|
Removed.
If you looked over it for me, I thank you. |
Last edited by Torpid on Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:14 am; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Jiggity
The Sinister Jigster
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Posts: 2272
Reviews: 735
Country: Australia
781 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
This needs some serious revising. The ending especially. It does however still have a lot of potential, as for the most part it was enjoyable and good.
I'll leave it for someone else to nitpick |
_________________
Initiate II
A popular joke tells of the meeting between a masochist and a sadist; the masochist says "Hurt me." The sadist says "No."
—Georges Bataille |
|
| Back to top |
|
Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 1:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Not bad seems like their should more, know what i mean. |
_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting. The plot is definitely good and I like the whole Atlantean vs. Murchalls concept. Besides little mistakes I know must be in there somewhere, there are only a few little things I noticed that I'd like to point out.
| Quote: |
| (that his body would quickly turn into rich nutrients) |
| Quote: |
| (which were in his hands when he broke the water) |
When you used brackets to add description it seemed a bit...akward. Like you had just decided not to put in the effort to find a way to work the extra information into the story.
This seems like more of an action story, mainly because you didn't spend much time describing. I'm a big fan of description and would love to see more of it. Not so much on the plot and background side, since you did that very well. More on the character and location description.
But those are just suggestions, your story is very good as it is already. Keep up the good work.[/quote] |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Reviews: 139
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| thanx, i think i might reread the Atlantean stuff and try to write a third part. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Elelel
ME
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
Posts: 1306
Reviews: 207
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked the idea of the underwater races. It was really interesting, I liked how they breathed in chemicals and used soundwaves, it wasn't just like they were people with webbed feet and gills. I also like how it starts with a group of Atlanteans hunting these murchalls, then branching into descriptions of the characters.
I think it would benefit from some fleshing out in certain areas. Like the characters could be introduced better. You keep telling us about them, but you really need to show us. For example, you tell us M'varl is powerful and prideful, but you'd do better to show us by things he does.
It's a bit like in fairy tales.
We know the witch is wicked, and how do we know? Why, the writer told us she was wicked! Why did the writer say she was wicked? ... er ... well ... not to clear on that to tell you the truth ... But then the story progresses and the witch starts doing wicked things, like eating children and turning people into toads. Then we know she's wicked because we saw her do wicked things.
You've got to let us make up our own minds a bit more, but just guide things so we come to the right conclusion. Once we know M'varl a bit better, like in the next scene or something, you could probably tell us straight out (maybe in another character's thoughts or words if you'd prefer) that he's a bit prideful. A little tellling is fine, but showing is usually better.
| Quote: |
| The rivalry and hate between Atlanteans and Murchalls ran very deep in both cultures and it was shown in the eyes of both creatures. Murchalls were wicked, nasty creatures of the depths that killed for many reasons, sport, entertainment, and least of all, food. The Atlanteans, conducting a noble society, hunted for food, and had many allies and friendships between the races and beings of the depths. They were the lawful, honorable, structured descendents of Atlantis, the Murchalls were the opposite. It seemed obvious that the two races would be enemies. |
If you wanted you could show this bit, but I know in many stories information like this is told, so you could go either way. The thing I really would like to discuss in this bit is that there's a little trap you can fall in here. The Atlanteans = good, Murchalls = bad thing. Just keep an eye on your characters, because in real life it's very had to put a label the big and simple on things. It is a bit different in life though, because everyone's human. So you're deffinately allowed a creative liscence where the culture of your created species comes in. But just be aware that there'd probably be one or two Atlanteans running around theat have been corrupted by power, or were just not very nice people to begin with, just like there'd probably be a few Murchalls who don't see the point behind their species killing spree and would like it to stop.
You've probably got all sorts of characters that haven't come into the story yet, I just wanted to say that just in case. |
_________________
If you trust in yourself ... and believe in your dreams ... and follow your star ... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy -- The Wee Free Men, Terry Pratchett. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Reviews: 139
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 9:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks, i actually hadn't really thought about making any innocent/heroic Murchalls but thats a good idea. I take your advice.
~Torpid |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Dynasty cow
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jan 2006
Posts: 68
Reviews: 44
Country: i am disgiused as one of the various objects on your desk
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 10:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
| that was realy exiting , i liked the start , but maybe a better ending |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Dynasty cow
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jan 2006
Posts: 68
Reviews: 44
Country: i am disgiused as one of the various objects on your desk
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 10:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| im 13 and i wouldent have i hope in hell of making somthing so complex and fun ,although my work is good in a differnt way , youve got loads off potentiol . keep writong |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Reviews: 139
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanx everybody, i'm at skool so itas not like i can post a new story/part, sry. Thanx again
~Torpid |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
