Topic ID: 7102
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The Silent Aviator
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 Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 12:45 am Post subject: Fall of Earth:Chapter One |
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Last edited by The Silent Aviator on Tue May 15, 2007 7:18 pm; edited 6 times in total |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:09 am Post subject: |
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I like it. I'm looking forward to seeing where this is going.
One thing I would suggest us separating your text a bit more paragraph wise. It makes it easier to read and it won't look like a tedious read on first glance.
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“You are going to die, recruit!!!!!!”
“Get your sorry, undisciplined, nasty civilian self UP HERE!!!!”
“Any day, Petrusnek!!!!!!!!!!” |
I'm unclear on who is saying this. I am assuming it's the same person. In which case, I would suggest you put it all in one set of "" <--(name of these things escapes me at the moment), or if you're trying to show that he says them after short intervals, then put some action in between. On the same section, there is no need for all the extra exclamation marks.
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“Recruit Petrusnek, grab a mop and clean the deck!”, 2369’s Drill Instructor
Barked |
I'm getting the feeling you pressed enter there. I don't think barked should be on the next line, probably just a typo.
Otherwise it's good, a little humorous and I'd say it's worth continuing. |
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The Silent Aviator
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:41 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for the advice. I've corrected a few of the mistakes. I'll tackle the rest when I have more time on my hands.
By separating the text, do you mean pressing 'enter' and going to a new line, or puting an indendation in the text periodically?
I never was good at 'seperating the text'  |
Last edited by The Silent Aviator on Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:45 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:42 am Post subject: |
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sweet story silent aviator, stupid drill instructor disgraced the camo, how dare he, suggesiton for Petrusnek when in live fire situations "freindly" fire may occur  . i want the DI to get his ass whupped by petrusnek eventually. |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style |
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The Silent Aviator
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:49 am Post subject: |
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lol. No, unfortunatley, I think the Parris Island DI's would do the ass-whoopin'.
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 2:05 am Post subject: |
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By separating the text, do you mean pressing 'enter' and going to a new line, or puting an indendation in the text periodically?
I never was good at 'seperating the text' |
I mean using 'enter'. The indentation thing isn't something I'm good at either. >.<
The only advice i can give you about paragraphs is to try and separate them by subject/event. |
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