Young Writers Society

Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 4:45 pm Post subject:

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Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style

Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 5:06 pm Post subject:

All the kids bully me because of my snout and furry nose. At play-time I roam around sniffing people, hoping that this action will gain me a friend but it doesn't. Sometimes when I am alone with my pet brick, I cry. It's not my fault my mum's a rat and my dad's a human, I'm just the unlucky offspring.

Tommorow I'm going to have a go at winning Jane over, I'm going to nibble the back of her neck like rats do to other rats before they mate. It has to work this time. It's got to.

I edited this for you. Changed a couple of words because I didn't think "score" really works, unless you want to be really slangy. As a piece of comedy, I thought it was pretty funny. The last line was actually really good. I changed the last two clauses to fragments on their own because I think it makes it more powerful. Of course, this is all suggestions.

I'd extend this if I were you, play around with the humour of being a rat/human - you could have some sort of cheese incident, or being chased by a cat?

Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 6:01 pm Post subject:

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This thread was created on January 28, 2006	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction	All times are GMT
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