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Snoink
Snuggly
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 Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 4:47 am Post subject: Running without purpose |
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She was running, but she didn’t quite know why. After all, it was just an accident. It wasn’t her fault – really. It was all society’s fault… yeah, that was it. It wasn’t her fault. It couldn't be.
Sweat glistened her brow and she took another clumsy step before stumbling on the cracked sidewalk. She fell.
She moaned as she clutched her knee. Her jeans were ripped and her knee, she could feel, was bleeding. She was tired and needed to get rest. Her eyes scanned the empty road and she stood up again, this time limping down the road.
The nearest town was twenty miles. |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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| Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:10 am Post subject: |
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very nice hook to the story, i want to read more, post more, please, come on. your off to a good start, and its always societies fault, sheesh everyone knows that
jk  |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style |
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Elelel
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| Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:46 am Post subject: |
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*edges towards story very slowly* ... I can do this. It's short! I can, and I shall do it well! MWAHAHAHAH ... ahem.
I really liked this. But wait! That's not the whole critique! There's more!
Ok, it's short, I know it wasn't all that serious, and I also know you are (or possibly were) going to kill her with cyotes ... or however you spell them. But that's not the point! The plot is crying out for attention! It's a good idea. Well, not that similar things haven't been done before, but it really does get your attention and make you curious about what's going to happen next. In fact, it makes you think you're going to enjoy what's going to happen next (which is ten times better in my opinion).
There are a few tinsy little things that were probably just due to the un-seriouslness of the situation, like a sidewalk being twenty miles out from the nearest town, and a lack of scenery description. But that's easy to deal with if you chose to go on with it.
I predict you will post another segmant. Second sight. It's a gift. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:49 am Post subject: |
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How can I refuse now? *whaps head* Though I still think it would be awesome if she were eaten by coyotes.
*****************************
It was about predawn when she finally heard a noise. A hum of a car's engine. She looked up, bewildered, staggering from the road. She had walked much farther on this highway - farther than she had ever thought possible - and she was tired beyond imagination. Still, the car. She had to worry about that.
She squinted her eyes a little bit, scanning the land. It was desert, a light blue coming out. Soon, the sky would be emblazoned with reds and pinks from the east. Yet she knew that she would be blind then. Blind and helpless. She shivered, cocking her head to the closer sound of the car. She went into the desert carefully, looking around for cactus before finally lowering herself into the rocky dust.
It was just as she had expected, though not what she wanted. The car was a rumbling truck, and three people were in the back, looking around, guns at their sides and at the ready. And the truck moved so slowly. She was wearing gray, which would make her less noticeable, but as she saw them look, side to side, expectant to see her, she realized that there was no possible way to hide.
And, she thought with even more horror, even if she did manage to hide, she would not be able to go to the place she was running to. It would probably be too late. A sick feeling rose in her stomach.
Don't think about it.
Suddenly the truck stopped. One of the men in the truck picked up a microphone.
"WE KNOW YOU'RE THERE. PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND COME OUT QUIETLY. YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED."
That's what they said to her family. Another wave of sickness flowed through her and her head spun. She peered out at them. Maybe they were bluffing? Maybe they hadn't seen her. But when she had seen their guns, all pointing at her, she gave up. Clumsily, she rose to her feet.
She thought about saying something brave. Something heroic. But all that seemed to pass her through her mind was a keen fear. She was not thinking, she was acting. She was too tired. So she said, "Are you going to kill me?"
This seemed to upon the men's minds, and they tensed up, but when one of the men came out (looking very nervous indeed) and bound her tightly, their fear seem to melt away. They tossed her in the back of the truck.
"Let's go to the Boss," a guy called out.
She slept. |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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| Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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| cool, plot is forming, keep it up, this is startintg to seem like a really cool story, keep writing, i wonder whhere they are taking here. |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style |
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Jiggity
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| Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:11 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| Sweat glistened her brow |
Sweat glistened on her brow.
| Quote: |
| This seemed to upon the men's minds |
to be upon.
Otherwise it is as per usual very, very good. |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome hook at the beginning and I can see the plot forming. There were a just few things I thought I should point out...
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| She was running, but she didn’t quite know why. |
A good beginning, but I didn't like how you immediately told the reader she didn't know why. I suggest saying something like "She was running - running even if she didn't know why." You still say she didn't know why in the first sentence, but the 'but' made it sound a little abrupt.
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She squinted her eyes a little bit, scanning the land. It was desert, a light blue coming out. Soon, the sky would be emblazoned with reds and pinks from the east. Yet she knew that she would be blind then. Blind and helpless. She shivered, cocking her head to the closer sound of the car. She went into the desert carefully, looking around for cactus before finally lowering herself into the rocky dust. |
I liked most of this paragraph, but I did notice a few things.... 'she squinted her eyes a little bit' - here, I do not think you need 'her eyes'. You could just say 'she squinted a little bit' or even better, 'she squinted slightly' 'It was desert, a light blue coming out.' Okay, in the next sentence you use the word 'emblazoned' a beautiful word, but here you just say 'coming out' which seemed a little sloppy and inconsistent compared to the next sentece. How about 'a light blue emerging' or something like that? And lastly 'cocking her head to the closer sound'. Cocking puts a good image in my head, but the word closer bugged me. A good synonym would be 'approaching' 'cause it puts more of an image in your head.
Other than that, I really loved this entire piece. Very well done.
Good job... please keep writing on this; you have me intrigued... |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 11:54 am Post subject: |
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| I found this weird…very weird. Is there more to this? Anyway the description was really lively and the helplessness of the girl was realistically expressed. I loved this: “It was just as she had expected, though not what she wanted.” And this too: “That's what they said to her family. Another wave of sickness flowed through her and her head spun. She peered out at them.” |
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