| User guestbook |
 |
This is Dream of the Fayth's guestbook. Why don't you leave a message? |
Page 1 of 11
Goto page 1, 2, 3 ... 9, 10, 11 Next |
Sacred
Junior Writer
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 38
Country: lost
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:08 am Title: |
 |
|
hey who's the popular guy over her  |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Riedawriter23
Speaker of the Forum
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 705
Country: Imageline, world of the immortals
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:18 pm Title: |
|
|
Andylicious! I loves you!  Hi. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
casey_kent
Novelist
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 466
Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 9:44 am Title: |
|
|
Andy, THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH! YOU ARE SO MY NEW BEST FRIEND!!
THANKS A LOT!
FOR HELPING!!
MWAH!!     
*signs name* |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
JCobsesed
Speaker of the Forum
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 976
Country: In the depths of insomnia
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:29 pm Title: |
|
|
Thank you =D
And thanks for the feedback on the...I guess you could call it a story. That was a nice little confidence booster there.
-JC |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Wolf
Master of the Forum
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 1373
Country: Wherever my imagination takes me
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 9:49 am Title: |
|
|
Back again:
Since characterization doesn't matter, then I'll just lecture you attempt to help you with the whole "memories are us" thing.
I didn't really get the whole noticing-that-the-slide-door-was-open-triggering-a-flashback-thing. You said you cut out a balcony scene? You shouldn't have, methinks. The flashback seems rather detached at the moment; maybe to make it more solid, you could ask yourself:
- what triggers memories from YOU? After all, characters are just like people, as you told me not so long ago.
- how did seeing the open door trigger her flashback? (That's what I really don't get)
Well, that's my two cents. Not very long or helpful, I'm afraid.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Wolf
Master of the Forum
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 1373
Country: Wherever my imagination takes me
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 9:34 am Title: |
|
|
I'm not sure if quotes work in PMs, so I'll post your crit here...
| Quote: |
Waking, I heard the rain pattering on the roof, mixing with the whirr of the fan that blew the cold through the dark room.
|
I'm not sure that I like this... the waking seems rushed; I didn't really understand how she woke or anything. You might try: "[insert sounds from dreams] changed into the patter of rain on the roof and the whirr of the fan as it blew cold through the dark room." You know, to infer that she's waking? Or something.
| Quote: |
The only source of light came from a small nightlight, plugged into the wall by the side of the table.
|
This seems more tell-y than show-y, I'm afraid. You might try: the nightlight plugged into the wall by my bed-side table cast a small shell of light" or something like that.
| Quote: |
Sweat had drenched my pillow and was slowly sweeping into the duvet covers.
|
Did you mean 'seeping'?
| Quote: |
Sleep would not come easily, as shadows lingered the room, exhaling heat through their gills.
|
I'm interested by your comparison of shadows and gills, but it seems kind of garbled. I think the phrase should be: Sleep would not come easily; shadows lingered in the room,. exhaling heat through their gills.
But you might want to elaborate on this -- why would the lingering shadows prevent her from sleep?
| Quote: |
Waves, big or small would often surge for the coastline.
|
There should be a comma after 'small'.
| Quote: |
I could hear my steady breathing, echoing off the white tiled walls as I crept through the corridor.
|
Telling alert! You might try: My steady breathing echoed off the white-tiled walls as I crept through the corridor; it seemed like the only sound on earth in this sleeping darkness. Or something. XP
| Quote: |
I flipped the switch, bright waves flooding the lounge room as I saw that the glass door was open.
|
I think it should be: I flipped the switch; bright waves flooded the lounge room, and I saw that the glass door was open.
| Quote: |
I stood naked in the sea, rippling surface settling almost to my waist.
|
There should be a 'the' after 'sea', methinks.
-------
Nit-picks aside, I think this is good. You obviously have a considerable for talent for characterization, mod-setting, and [visual] description. I think this whole piece has a very appealing, almost enigmatic feel to it. So kudos for the mood.
I think you could benefit from more sensual description -- as in, using the five senses for imagery. Show us the cold tile beneath her feet and the silky feel of water flowing around her bare calfs. You know?
Grammar is okay/pretty good. There weren't many errors -- I don't think it's a problem for you.
You asked me if it seems complete? Yes, but the narrator didn't really seem to have a personality. I'd give you suggestions to improve on this aspect, but as you know, I'm terrible with character development.
Overall? 8/10. Fix some low issues, add some sensual imagery and give the narrator a touch more personality, and this'll be an excellence merit for sure. 
Hope this helped a bit,
Camille xx |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Azila
Speaker of the Forum
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 863
Country: The Valley of the Wind
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:02 am Title: |
|
|
I was just wondering--you said you were writing something that you wanted me to critique when you posted it. Have you posted it?
~Zills~ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Suzanne
Writer of Legend
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6346
Country: Dedans
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:08 pm Title: |
|
|
| It's actually white stuff because they busted a hole through the ceiling... haha you'd have to read the book/see the movie to get it; Running with Scissors. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Wolf
Master of the Forum
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 1373
Country: Wherever my imagination takes me
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:35 pm Title: |
|
|
Wisdom flies from your mouth -- how can anyone resist quoting you? =P
No but really, you should make a blog. XD |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
yoha_ahoy
Speaker of the Forum
Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 785
Country: Can I eat it?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
