I creep into the room, closing the door behind me, and i stroll across the red carpet that covers the entire floor. The room is ample, bigger than my room at least, where there is space enough for my bed and wardrobe if squeezed well enough between them, even a drawer.
I notice my aunt and uncle’s bed covers are undone, folded from the right corner to about the middle of the bed. A pillow is thrown to the left side of the bed toward the edge, and the other one is scattered to the opposite side of the bed. The drawer is all left jar apart for the first one, which is open all the way through.
The wardrobe right next to the bed has its doors wide open, half of the clothes that were inside the wardrobe thrown on the floor, and the rest of the clothes still inside the closet are separated by a large gap in the middle. Someone has rummaged around here! Uncle and Aunt, perhaps, aren’t aware that one or worse, multiple servants gone through their belongings stole their money. When I tell them, they may even buy me a drawer since they promised it months ago. When Aunt and Uncle come back, they’ll make whoever did pay sure of it. Better go before I get caught sticking my nose in here; at least my punishment will be less severe than a simple, “You’re fired!”
But they may have stolen something from there.
I turn back to the drawer since they only left the first one fully open; they must have found something in there.
Taken by my curiosity, I pace to the drawer; something must have been inside the first one if it is the only one fully open. When I tell them, they might finally reward me with the drawer. The drawer locks are broken, so it is impossible to open it without the keys, and my aunt always takes them with her. A small coffer sits inside the drawer. I take it out and examine it. The jewellery box lock is also broken, like all the other locks in the room. I opened the jewellery box, is empty; all the jewellery is gone. As I put the jewellery box back into the drawer.
I notice a folded letter under it. The thief put it in there? How curious. I unfold the paper.
(Sorry for stealing the pearls. I wanted to give them back, to replace them, but I can’t, I need the money. If you’re reading this, I’m probably gone already.) Firmed Tom
uncle? My eyes tingle i try to fight back tears, why? I can’t believe he stole from Aunt and left us.
Need feedback and advice on the writing, thanks
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
I’m doing some catch up for the stories I missed in preparation for Review Day and yours was definitely on the list ^^
Quick tip: You can still edit your story even after you’ve published it. Having a grammar error in the very first line isn’t exactly a welcoming sight ^^
“I creep into the room, closing the door behind me. stroll across the red carpet,” I would follow Sana’s suggestion in changing the sentence 😊
Here: “I notice my aunt and uncle’s bed covers are undone,” I notice serves as a so called “filter” word that puts a barrier between reader and your character. Better to leave it out; we can assume that the MC is the one remarking on the undone bedcovers.
Hmm I do wonder why the MC even went into the room when they didn’t expect there to be a thief. I first thought that they were in there to steal something themselves! =D
Okay what type of feedback do you want?
I find it very difficult to empathize with your MC. Yes, they have a small room but they are still above the servants in the hierarchy. When they notice that their uncle stole the pearls, they have an emotional reaction that I feel isn’t very well executed and therefore didn’t leave me feeling very engaged.
You marked this as a short story. What is the central theme of this story then? It doesn’t feel complete.
And I keep coming back to the question: Why was the MC in their aunt and uncle’s room in the first place? Did they hear a noise?
That’s all I can tell you for the moment ^^
(And look at that five review for five reviews, excellent ration =D)
Thanks for the review tikaya i will try to improve. Thank you again.
And thank you to let me know you could edit the work after publishing it.
Hello! It's catsz here to drop by and leave a review! Let's dive straight into it now!
The thief is a great title, eye catching. It makes the reader curious to see who the thief is, which is ending up reading it.
Woah, something being stolen?? Off to a great start already. The main character, the narrator, assumes that it was one of the servants. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
The narrator then finds a folded letter. Ohh, this is so sad. It was the Uncle, but he needed money? I beg you to continue, I need to know what happens next ToT
Now for some suggestions/tiny tweaks to make the story even better.
First is some grammar and punctuation.
I think it would fit better like this: Uncle..? My eyes tingle as I try to fight back tears. Why??
Just my opinion though, its your choice!
I don't know why, something for me can be fixed. It just feels off when you read it kind of, but do what feels right to you!
Overall this was such a interesting and mysterious piece to read, looking forward to more!
Happy Writing, and Happy Reviewing!
~catsz
Thank you for the feedback and suggestions. I'll keep them in mind for my next stories.
Heyy! I stumbled across your story while looking for a short piece to review for review day, and the title immediately caught my eye so here I am
.
I really enjoyed the suspenseful tone you created right from the start. The opening pulled me in straight away. The quiet way the narrator sneaks into the room and begins observing all the little details makes the scene feel tense and secretive, and your descriptions of the room create a strong something is wrong herefeeling.
Now onto some constructive feedback!
A few sentences could be made smoother so the narration flows more naturally. For example,
This sentence is a little awkward and can possibly be changed into something like "I creep into the room, closing the door behind me, and stroll across the red carpet that covers the entire floor."
I had to read this a few times to process what it meant. It could be changed into something like "One pillow is tossed toward the edge of the bed, while the other lies on the opposite side."
It should be "left ajar for the first one"
I would highly recommend using em dashes here for a more dramatic tone. So something like "Perhaps Aunt and Uncle aren’t aware that one — or worse, several — servants have gone through their belongings and have stolen their money."
I don't know if you mean to write "When Aunt and Uncle come back, they’ll make sure whoever did this pays for it". Or if you meant to write "When Aunt and Uncle come back, they’ll make whoever did this pay for it. I am sure of it".
I think you forgot to add the as in "My eyes tingle as I try to fight back tears".
Near the end, the emotional reaction feels a bit rushed. The realization that the uncle is the one who stole the pearls is huge, so expanding the narrator’s emotional response (shock, confusion, betrayal) would make the ending hit even harder.
Overall, this was a really strong short piece with a clear sense of tension and a compelling twist. I look forward to reading more of your works!
-Sana
Thank you for the review, and the feedback is very helpful. I will use it to get better. I'm happy you enjoyed my story.
Hello hello! It is I, CrimsonTears (or Crim for short)! I am here to read and review this amazing piece! Typically, I read and review as I go and so as usual, that is also how I will review your work here! Let’s dig in, shall we!
As always, I like to start with the title and genre the writer has chosen. I like the title “The thief”. It gives a mysterious vibe to me and that seems to line up with your genre choice of Other/Dramatic! (Nice!)
I also like how this is written in the first-person perspective!
I really like this sentence. It seems the narrator (I’m not sure if this is you and you’re sharing a memory here which is why I say narrator) is very thankful and appreciative.
Reading on, it does seem to be a mystery, and I wonder if there was something more precious in the furniture than just money that someone was searching for. But perhaps money was the main goal after all. The story here so far doesn’t seem to tell us if the money or whatever was being searched for was discovered or indeed stollen so there is also a mysterious element here. Was the thief actually able to find what they were looking for? Will they get caught or was the thief this narrator setting up a servant? Very interesting and intriguing story!
This is so sad! It doesn’t seem to be servant at all who stole money! But instead it’s the uncle which makes this very heart wrenching. What really pushes this emotion of betrayal is the further reading showing the narrator fighting back tears which also fuels the feeling of abandonment.
Overall I think this short story has a lot of potential!
Some critiques I have is…
1. I did notice there were quite a bit of typos such as a lack of capitalization or words that didn’t fix the sentence which I’m guessing the cause would be from an autocorrect.
2. I would like to know some of what the narrator looks like. Is this a boy or a girl? A man or a woman? What happened to his or her parents that she is now living with her seemingly wealthy uncle and aunt? You don’t need paragraphs of description of this story, but something to be like “my (small) delicate (or rough) hands reach for the jewelry box” This can help signal if this narrator is a child or adult, male or female.
3. I would have liked to know if the pearls are important to the narrator. While there is a mystery to who rifled in the room, I’m left wondering if maybe these pearls were from the narrator’s late mother. Maybe the mother made the narrator promise to guard them with his or hers life. Maybe the father passed them down because it was the only possession they had left? There’s a lot of mystery here and I think if that was discussed even briefly it would further add more of a heart wrenching revelation to the reader when it is revealed that the uncle too it.
But now for the highlights!
1. I think that ”The thief” very nicely fits this story. Many times I’ll read a title that has little to nothing to do with the story, but you successfully stayed on point with the story and the story matching well!
2. I loved the mystery to this read. I had many thoughts during this read and by saying that, that means that you kept me captivated! I didn’t wander or get confused. On the point of one of my critiques, maybe the thoughts I had to the mystery of the pearls was indeed your goal of a thought to be produced from the reading!
3. I really like how you ended this story. You kinda left it on a cliff hanger but also it feels finished at the same time. This makes me further captivated in the story! Enough to make me say, please tag me in the story following this if you decide to continue writing it! I would love to continue reading this story!
Overall, this was an amazing piece and it’s very unique! I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your literary works!
Have an amazing rest of your day/night!
Crim signing out!
Thanks for the feedback. I'll revise the story. thanks again
Hiya, great work! Welcome to YWS aswell!
Firstly, "The room is ample, bigger than my room at least, where there is space enough for my bed and wardrobe if squeezed well enough between them, even a drawer." Would work better with " Wardrobe, and if".
next, the third and sixth paragraphs were a bit long. I would aim to make each paragraph between one line (especially a speaking line) and 4 or 5 lines.
other than those small things, great work! Keep writing! And welcome again to YWS!
Thank you for the advice