The creature moved like a shadow through the dark forest. Its growl was soft and low, too quiet for any other beast to hear. It could see the burning firelight up ahead; it could hear the faint murmur of voices. Closer and closer, faster and faster it crept, cutting through the peace of the night. Drool and blood dripped from its fangs; it could see them now. The girls sat by the fire, laughing and talking quietly. They were blissfully unaware of the monster that was closing in on them. Bit by bit their doom inched closer to them. Then, with one pounce, the creature attacked. It tackled its prey to the ground as fearful screams filled the night.
“Ah!” Cried the girl.
“No, no, no. That’s not a scream,” said the monster, climbing off of Blake. “That’s a cry, not a scream.”
“I still don’t understand the difference,” Blake said, sitting up. “Can I please be the monster now? I’ve been waiting and Natty is much better at screaming anyway.”
“No! I don’t want to be tackled like that! Can’t we just watch a movie?” Natty moaned.
“It really doesn’t hurt,” Blake said. “Come on, let’s switch!”
“I’ll be very gentle, Natty,” Amy said, fixing the pillow fire pit she had knocked over.
“Do you promise?”
“Yes. Tell you what, Blake you can be the monster this time and after this you can choose the movie, Natty.”
“Alright.”
“Great! Places, everyone!” Natty carefully positioned herself next to the fire While Blake grabbed the brown sweater from Amy. “Ready?”
Sweat dripped from the monster’s side. Its stomach howled with the hunger of a thousand… monsters? Neither of the girl’s noticed the danger. They were completely unaware of how helpless they were. They had no weapons to protect themselves with, or any shelter to hide in. They didn’t even have a tent… because they forgot to bring it.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Amy said.
“Hang on, just let me finish!” Said the monster. Just when the girls were about to head back down the mountain to retrieve their tent in sprang. Screams filled the cold air.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” Natty cried.
“See that, is a scream. There is a difference,” Amy said. “Pay attention Blake. Do it again!”
“AHHHHHH! I’m being ripped apart by a monster!” Natty howled. But her cries were cut short by a knock on the door.
“Just making sure no one is really being ripped apart!”
“No, Mom, we’re just playing,” said Amy.
“Well, can you play more quietly? You’re going to wake the baby.”
“Okay.”
“Miss Amy’s mom, can we watch a movie?” Natty asked.
“I guess so, but don’t stay up too late.” With that the three friends moved from stories of monsters and lost travelers to colorful slapstick cartons, the likes of which every child has experienced with delight. The girls huddled up close to each other on the floor and laughed till it hurt. It is so easy when you’re that young to lose yourself in was it silly and light as well as what is horrific and fascinating. In fact, they didn’t think about anything other than goofy characters and catchy music, not until they had brushed their teeth and were heading to bed. The wind howled softly and mournfully as the rain tapped softy on the window. Blake wiggled with warmth and delight as she slipped into the soft covers next to her friends.
“Don’t put your cold feet against me Blake!” Amy whispered.
“I will if you stop jabbing me with your elbow,” Blake hissed back. There was a little bit of rearranging and then silence.
“Amy? Blake? Monsters aren’t real right?” Natty said softly from Amy’s other side.
“No of course not.” Blake said without hesitation. “People made them up to scare each other, its simple as that.”
“Amy… can I close your closet door?” Natty asked.
“Yeah.” Amy sighed; she had been afraid this would happen again. Natty got up and made her way across the room slowly. Natty didn’t always do well with the monster game. But she always insisted on playing it.
“Can I please be in the middle?” Was Natty’s next question. There was some more rearranging, then silence.
“My goodness Natty, I can feel you shaking!” Blake whispered.
“If monsters aren’t real why are there so many stories about them? Why have they always been in tales and movies and games?” Natty whispered.
“I—I don’t know.” Now Blake was beginning to see things moving in the shadows. Her heart was racing now.
“Don’t be afraid, there is no proof of monsters,” Amy said. There was a clap of thunder outside. It seemed to shatter the sky with a loud boom before fading into a low growl. Like the growl of some deadly beast. Natty caught her breath with a little cry and Blake nestled closer to her.
“What would we do if monsters were real and there was something after us?” Natty asked. Amy could hear from her tone that the poor girl was on the verge of tears.
“Don’t be afraid, I’ll always protect you two,” Amy said brightly.
“Do you promise?”
“I Promise.” There was a second clap of thunder. Amy slipped an arm around the shaking shoulders of her friends.
“Strange that we haven’t seen any lightening yet,” said Blake.
“Let’s just all close our eyes and try to sleep,” Amy said in a gentler tone. Blake clenched and unclenched her fists. She hated that her heart was racing and that her skin was crawling. This was yet another painful reminder that Amy was and always would be the group’s leader, no matter how much Blake wished she wasn’t. But Blake did as she was told and closed her eyes. She couldn’t help but smile at Amy’s kind words. Natty pulled the covers up over her head and tried to think only about the happy comforting sounds around her. The sweet gentle tapping of rain, the soft voices chatting below them. She listened to the wind as it became calmer, and she listened to the soft sound of her friend’s breathing that reminded her that she wasn’t alone. Slowly, their fear melted into the darkness around them, and they began to drift of. For a few minutes their soft snores were the only sound in the room. For a few minutes everything was peaceful and still. These few minutes were the safest and the happiest that the girls would be for a while, though they did not know it at the time.
Natty was the first to open her eyes. Instantly, she knew that something was wrong. For a moment she couldn’t hear anything over the ringing in her ears. Everything seemed warm and hazy and distant. Natty sat up and blinked her eyes were watering and everything seemed so, so loud.
“Amy? Blake? Wake up, something’s wrong,” she said, shaking her friends gently. Natty’s vision was clearing now. A strange, dull, deep, orange glow hung about the room. But it wasn’t quite bright enough to be the sunrise. Blake coughed and stirred in her sleep before sitting up with a sudden cry. Amy opened her eyes with a loud groan.
“Monster aren’t real…” she mumbled.
“What’s happening?” Blake whimpered.
“I—I don’t know,” said Natty. “But I have a bad feeling.”
“Go back to sleep,” said Amy.
“Amy! Natty said she had a bad feeling, you know what happens when she has bad feelings!” Blake shook Amy till she was also sitting up.
“Can you hear the humming?” Natty asked. They all fell silent. A low buzzing seemed to be rising up in the distance, but only Natty and Blake could hear it clearly. But by now all three were awake enough to realize that something was off. The humming was growing louder now. A shadow passed by their window, a huge shadow, for a moment it blocked the orange light. Now they could hear something that sounded like shouting rising up outside.
“What in the world is happening? This isn’t a dream, is it?” Blake asked. The others shook their heads. “What should we do?” Natty needed this to be a dream. Every fiber of her being wanted this to be a dream. She shrank further back into the shadows, away from the warm light. Suddenly, the darkness had become her friend, and she felt safer when surrounded by it. A part of Amy wanted to peer out the window at whatever it was that was going on below. But she knew better than to do that. She reached out in the darkness and took Natty and Blake’s hands and gave them each a gentle squeeze.
“Let’s just sit tight and wait. If there is danger and we don’t know if there is any danger, then we should wait it out, okay?” Amy said. They all nodded. Natty rested her chin on Amy’s shoulder.
“Where are the grown up?” She sobbed. “I can’t hear anything! Oh Amy! D—do you think that something has happened to them?”
“Shh, keep quiet,” Amy hissed.
“I’m sure they’re okay,” Blake was saying that for herself as well as for Natty.
“We’ll be alright, we just need to stay awake and wait and—” Blake was cut short by a loud crash that came from inside the house this time. She gasped. “Someone is inside!” Natty clapped a hand over her own mouth to keep from screaming. Amy’s eyes darted around the room, looking for somewhere to hide. But the only places she could spot would be painfully obvious. The mostly empty closet, or under the bed in plain sight. But there was no time, Amy could hear footsteps climbing up the stairs. Natty gripped Amy’s arm. Her nails dug into Amy’s skin, and she winced. The door to their room swung open. Natty screamed. Blake froze. She didn’t know what to say. Blake couldn’t even understand what she was looking at. Amy’s jaw dropped.
“You lied,” Natty said breathlessly. “Monsters are real!” The black beast crept towards them on all fours. Amy’s mind went blank as she flung her arms out in a feeble attempt to protect her friends.
End of chapter
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I know this has been out of the Green Room for a while but I always feel like reviews (and commentators) who put in the effort should get recognized. So here I am ^^
The first thing that popped in my head was actually: “why is this creature growling at all?” when no one can hear it? XD --> Ah bc that is what monsters do and so we have to growl quietly and evilly, gotcha :3
So I did like this first italics section. It was a nice set up for the rest of the chapter.
Onward to my favourite topic: Dialogue formatting!
You see here: Cried the girl- is presented as a full sentence. You’re doing it correctly in the later instances so I’ll be brief: even if the dialogue sentence has an exclamation or question mark, the following dialogue tag starts without capitalization ^^
That said, I find the entire exchanges that ensues hilarious =D
“It really doesn’t hurt” is wayyy presumptuous of Amy xd Maybe Natty is just way more sensitive? :3
Grammar stopped grammaring here: “herself next to the fire While Blake”
I know you said that you don’t want grammar tips but I find it important that everything you post at least has proper spelling and punctuation xp
I’m really missing some description of what is happening and what the room looks like and what everyone’s expression and posture etc is in this sequence:
“But she always insisted on playing it.” Really? It sounded like she was very insistent on watching a movie instead. That was the impression I got of her character.
I like how the personalities of the three girls quickly come apparent. I really like how Amy is seemingly unbothered by monsters and in turn calms the other two down ^^
I would have liked an explanation of this: “She couldn’t help but smile at Amy’s kind words.” Because last we saw her being bitter that Amy is more take-charge than she is.
Oh this sentence immediately sparked a storm of possibilities in my head: “you know what happens when she has bad feelings”
Is it only that she needs to be comforted extensively if she has a bad feeling? Or… does she have a supernatural premonition that the others now about and are careful whenever she announces something? Because whenever she gets that feeling something BAD is bound to happen?
And wow that is a cool way to end the chapter :3
I really like the drama and sense of mystery here. You got me hooked.
First of all, there's the characters. The protagonist is a kid we're supposed to relate to, but who are they? One can imagine themselves in the eyes of the main character, but we don't know much about them yet. The character can be a blank skate, as long as the author doesn't put too much of themself into it. Otherwise, that character comes off as pretty bland and pointless. Nevertheless, you have a good start to your story and I want to learn more.
Next, the story. I like the direction of where it's headed. There's a feeling of mystery, there's thrills, there's something that makes you go "Ahhh, I hope this gets better." What happens next? We need to know, or otherwise it gets boring. We don't know what's going to happen next; we have to move further down to find out. However, I like how you perfectly managed to capture the fear of being lost in someone's environment.
Lastly, there's the setting. There isn't much in the way of worldbuilding, but there could be some hints. There could be something deeper going on, but we don't know. There might be something we're afraid of, but what is it? We aren't aware, and we need to go further to find out. I like when the porlogue promises us there's going to be something deeper going on, and this is no exception. I hope to see you improve in the future.
Overall, this story is a good start to a darker storyline. 5/5
Hi! Great work! Welcome to YWS aswell! Firstly, one thing that stuck out to me is the paragraphs. while most are a great length, some are a little long. Personally, I would try not to make a paragraph more than maybe 3 or 4 lines.
another thing I notice is that when I assume the girls are narrating their story, you use italics. I would also use quotations to further show that they are narrating.
I think that the personalities of the girls are very well made. Amy is a strong, reassuring leader, natty is a bit of a scaredy cat, and Blake is fiercely independent.
All in all, great work! welcome again to YWS, and keep writing!
Thank you for reading! This helps a lot. I have a bad habit of drawing out my paragraphs.
I'm glad that you got a good read on the girls personalities.
Thank you:)